PYHO: To Have or To Hold

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When you hear the saying "to have or to hold", you probably think about the beautiful marriage vows that two people say to each other when pledging their eternal love.  Normally, I'd agree with you.  Lately, however, this is the saying that's swimming around in my mind when it comes to whether we will expand our family, or if we're content with our two beautiful, healthy children. 

I've been pondering this question more and more lately, as I'm dealing with weaning my baby girl (just another reminder that the infant stage is over...maybe for good...in our house) and as I start to plan her ::gulp:: first birthday party.  If you ask my hubby he would say "absolutely not, we're done".  He clearly does not want another child.  He feels like our family is complete.  Me, however, I'm not so black and white.  I almost wish I was.  It would certainly make this ponderance much easier. 

If I felt like I was a resounding no, I could move on with our lives as a family of four, and start planning to rid ourselves of the baby gear (it's coming over, SIL!!!).  If I knew in my heart our family was complete, I feel like I would have known the day B was born.  I was always told by other friends that you just "know" that you're done.  When your last baby is born, you feel complete, whole and certain that part of your life is closed.  I didn't have that feeling when B was born.  I was over-the-moon to have my girl.  I was elated we FINALLY, after struggling with SIF, could give T a sibling.  But...I didn't feel "done".  Even after going through almost 10 months of sleepless nights and all the struggles of having a newborn fresh in my mind, I still don't quite feel "done".

Maybe the feeling of being "done" is a myth (like a unicorn), or even a flat out lie.  Maybe moms will always question whether they made the right choice in not having another.  Maybe there will always be those pangs of jealousy when your friend gets pregnant, and excitedly awaits their new arrival.  Take my mom, for instance.  I recently had a conversation with her on this topic.  It came about because I have been struggling with the question myself, and I wondered what made my mom stop at two.  Her answer...my Dad.  My Dad was the "voice of reason" and he was the resounding "no, we're done", in their early days with kids.  He felt similarly to hubs.  They had one of each, a girl and a boy, and my Dad was content.  He's also a "financial" guy, so having another was just too darn expensive.  (Side note: It's amazing how much my Dad sounds like my hubs......)  My mom told me she always regretted not expanding our family in some way.  She had wanted to have another.  At first, she wanted to have another biological child.  After a while, she wanted to adopt.  Being an educator, as I am, she wanted to adopt an older child who needed a good home.  Neither thing happened.  I do think she has some level of regret about that.  She doesn't, however, fault my Dad.  She doesn't harbor resentment about him reeling her in.  But...she does have some underlying sadness.

So...this brings me to my "to have and to hold".  Should I push hubs to rethink a third, and open that door, just a crack to possibly HAVE another?  Problem is...time is a factor.  I don't want our babies to be as far apart as T and B are now.  I would want B to have someone closer in age to play with.  So...time is ticking away.  Decisions can't be put off for too long.  Or...should I HOLD in that urge, work through it, and close my baby factory for good?  Will I ever know the true and fast answer??  Will I ever feel like I made the "right" decision?  Can I blame this madness on nursing hormones changing as I wean??        

I mean...
Who wouldn't want another one of these?? (Baby T)

                                                                                     

or these??  (Baby B)

Bestill my beating ovaries.  ::sigh::