The day of her birthday party was my last "normal" day of BF. Ever since, B has showed decreased interest and patience in BF sessions. For me, that's been a difficult pill to swallow. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to convince myself it's okay. I'm still sad.
Now, in the essence of full disclosure, in the past few weeks B has been drinking a mixture of BM, formula and whole milk, however, in the first 365 days of her life, she NEVER went 1 day of her life without breast milk. This fact makes me very proud.
Breastfeeding is not a perfect feeding solution. There have been many ups and downs through our journey. I struggled with the latch, pain, engorgement, leakage, cracked nipples, letdown issues, low milk supply, NIP issues, biting (yup!) the works. But, I wouldn't have it any other way. B and I have an incredible bond, and I attribute some of that to our closeness while breastfeeding (the rest is probably the whole she lived inside of me thing...). It's a quiet time for just the two of us. I do take pride in the fact that the majority of B's growth and development came directly from my own body. I may not be a cloth diapering fool...but I have always been a BIG proponent of breastfeeding. It happens to be one part of mothering that is very important to me.
Will we continue? I don't know... I guess that burning question is what prompted me to write this post. I'm struggling a bit with this, okay, I'm struggling a lot. I've been keeping my concerns pretty quiet to those around me. My internal struggle has been difficult. The painful breast pain due to lack of pumping and less BF sessions is equally difficult. Ouch! I can just feel my hormonal changes occurring as a result of weaning. I'm an emotional wreck.
Am I tired of lugging the pump and being anti-social at work? YES. Am I tired of being the only one who can feed her? YES. Am I a bit freaked out about stopping? YES. Will I miss the closeness and the comfort it give her? YES. Do I think transitioning will be hard on both of us, both physically and emotionally? YES. Do I think it's time? YES. Am I deathly afraid? YES.
Right now, I don't have a clear answer. Ideally, I'd like to continue to feed in the morning and at night. However, due to our early morning schedule (all four of us are out of the house before 6:30am), it's difficult for me to get her interested in eating before work anymore. I lose the battle between sitting quietly with me and her love for cheerios. ::sigh:: So...if I want to prolong BF a bit (preferably until I'm home with her in June) I'll have to continue to encourage her to feed from me at least once a day. This is the reason for the dilemma. I truly don't think my body will let me only feed her at night. If anyone knows any different, please leave a comment! I would love to hear if 1 time per day feeding worked for someone. For me, that would be ideal. A girl can dream.
I was also very inspired by Mama Foosa over at Growing a Foosa to take an artistic photo of me feeding my munchkin. Aside: If you don't read her blog, you should! Unfortunately, I have two strikes against me 1. I'm completely and horribly unphotogenic (and Mama Foosa is gorgeous in every shot...biaatch...lol) and 2. my camera sucks! So...here's my attempt...thanks hubs for the help!
Thanks for letting me Pour My Heart Out. Now go pour out yours, and link up.