My career path has been less-than-smooth.
But, despite the road blocks, drama and far too much education, I have forged on and fought for my ability to be a teacher.
I'm a lucky one. I love my job. I enjoy most days at work. I feel rewarded, every once in a while. I feel like I'm quite possibly making a difference. It's a blessing to be in my line of work.
However, with a great job also comes great challenges.
Unfortunately, I'm also a very sensitive and emotional person. I take things to heart. I'm not a roll-off-my-back type. Things people say and do often stick with me. They affect me greatly. I find myself pining over things, worrying about things, dwelling on things. I can't sleep. I'm sick to my stomach often. I'm just a sensitive, worrier.
Education and a public school setting is full of drama, cliques, pressure, bullying and back-stabbing. And I don't mean the kids...
I am angry with myself.
I think it's my fault people tend to walk all over or take advantage of me. I'm clearly not giving off a "I'm a strong woman, don't mess with me" vibe.
I must look weak.
I need to figure out how to be a better role model for my kids. I don't want them to think mama is weak or timid. I don't want them to see me fold under pressure, do things I should have said "no" to or have emotional reactions to personal or professional situations.
I'm done with being the victim. I'm done with playing the fool. I've got to figure out how to be a stronger me.
Don't forget to vote daily!
Ugh...my last post didn't stick. Here it goes again...
ReplyDeleteI often find myself smiling and laughing through your posts. I look forward to them when I see you have updated your blog but today I was sad because I feel that you are sad. I know that we lost touch once high school got out but you are one of the few people that I look forward to getting to know again :) You are am amazing wife, mother, teacher, and friend. You are a strong woman, always have, always will be. Hugs!!
I am sad. I would say I'm in a very rough, depressed way right now. I'm praying I can find a way to not let it affect my personal time with the kiddos, but at work, I'm a shell of myself. I'm also fragile. I worry if a student pushes me too far...they'll feel the wrath that is bubbling up inside of me. If anyone wondered why I run...this is why! I can't seem to find another way to release it all.
DeleteYou have to treat the change - becoming a stronger you - like you would running. If you make time to run and make an effort to do it, you have to do the same in your conviction to become stronger. Maybe come up with an empowering phrase that you say every morning when you wake up. Leave daily reminders on post it notes in your car, at work, at home - that way you will focus on making the change. And remember, only try to change the things you have control over - which is your attitude and the way you handle situations. You can't control others, only how you deal with them and how you let them affect you! YOU CAN DO IT!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the wonderful words of encouragement! I'm going to try these techniques.
DeleteI'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's always been a struggle for me, too, as I am a people pleaser and always have been. It's so hard to stand up for myself and be that strong woman. I don't necessarily have a solution to offer other than to pray about it. Hugs to you, mama!
ReplyDeleteI wish I wasn't a "people-pleaser". I wish I could just be confident in who I was and say, to heck with them. Why can't I do that? Why do I care what they think so much? Even with my students, I find myself getting my feelings hurt at times.
DeleteKris, I don't know the answer, but I can tell you that you are amazing. You are your own worst critic, so you are finding the negative in whatever this situation is. I read this and see that that root of the situation is that you are a good, nice person (people-pleaser). Unfortunately, everyone doesn't have your heart, so they treat people and take advantage of them or even bully them (at our age that sounds so ridiculous, but its true). Just keep your head up knowing you have a wonderful life...an awesome family (specifically your sister-in-law...ha) and a great job. No one can ruin that for you. YOU ROCK!
ReplyDeleteYou're right, my SIL is pretty great:)
DeleteHey! I am so sorry things are rough now. I feel your pain! In teaching there isn't much to show for your ard work but it does mean something. You are an inspiration to me. Love you!
ReplyDeletePS - when you are up to it, I want to call in a rain check on our get together :)
This week is slammed, but next week looks more promising!
DeleteI struggle with this too...I find myself saying to myself "I make good decisions. I am resilient. I will be ok." maybe that would help you too...or not. I think like another person said find what works for you. I think trusting myself is key too.
ReplyDeleteMy mom always tells us that women in our family are tough, we can get through anything. That usually helps.
DeleteOh honey, I am sending you such big hugs! Remember too that there is strength in vulnerability, but you do need to stand up for yourself when it is needed!
ReplyDelete