I have a confession to make. I'm terrified of something horrible happening to my kids.
I'm sure I'm just like every other mom who worries from the moment you know you're carrying a fetus. Every stage brings new concerns, fears, and frustrations. However, sometimes I find myself having literal panic attacks when I think about what could happen to my babies. I'm a natural worrier anyway, a bit "high strung" if you will. I'm not embarrassed. I'm sometime neurotic. But these are my BABIES! I worry about them stopping breathing in the middle of the night (this one is constant), falling down and having head injuries, choking on food, breaking bones, getting serious diseases that I have no control over, you know...the usual. But lately, I've had a less-than-rational fear of my babies being sexually abused. Maybe it was the horrible events that happened at Penn State (those poor little boys) or the absurd and disgusting local story about a teenager raping a little 5 year old girl in the playland at McDonalds...or the countless talk shows and national news stories I read, watch and hear (damn talk radio) describing so much horrible physical and sexual abuse against the innocent, but I'm TERRIFIED!
So this leads me to my most ridiculous recent panic attack, which falls under the umbrella of this topic. Yesterday on the way home from picking T up from daycare, we are carrying on a conversation about his day (very normal behavior for us). He starts to tell me about sometime during his 2.5 hours at preschool where he was alone in a classroom with a teacher (and here's the part where my stomach started churning and my heart started pounding uncontrollably) IN THE DARK! My palms got sweaty, my heart was racing, and I started to almost interrogate T about why in Gods name he was in a classroom ALONE with a teacher IN THE DARK!!!!!!!! I asked him things like; "was it your teacher", "where were all your friends", "why were the lights off", "was it only for a short time", "has it happened before", "did you feel scared or uncomfortable". There were a million more questions, and some he fielded with great detail, while others he was much more vague or confused...which caused me to go off the deep end even more. Then I had to have a conversation I don't enjoy very much with my innocent 4 year old, the 'your parts are only for you' conversation. I could tell my hubby has also discussed this with T, as he knew his butt and weiner (I know...weiner...judge if you must I'm not having him use the formal term) were never to be touched by anyone but him...yadda yadda. It was a nightmare. I started to feel like I was going to puke. After discussing in great detail with T, I came to the conclusion he was actually a bit "in trouble" because he was taking so long packing up his backpack for the day to go home...I think...so his teacher was standing by the door urging him to hurry up. I'm hoping I'm getting this partially right ::says silent prayer:: T seemed to not think it was a big deal, and he assured me his "parts" were undisturbed.
Now was this fear irrational, probably so, as these are female preschool teachers (some of the most gentle, patient ladies around) that came highly recommended. Let me also remind my readers that I too am a teacher. I have the utmost respect for my fellow educators, and I would like to think I can trust the majority of those of us that take on this difficult job, especially those saintly preschool teachers. But...can you ever be too careful or inquisitive when it comes to the health, well-being, and safety of your baby?! I think not!
Link up with "Pour Your Heart Out", for more confessions, complaints, and debates. Maybe there are some you can relate to.